De-activating and De-cluttering
You can’t have everything. You really can’t. In this capitalist reality, you’re either poor, with just enough and mildly satisfied with life, with lots of time and energy to love and to be, or the moment you choose money—something’s going to give. Something will break if you try to still have everything.
What is the diagram for this? What’s the visual of the input and output and your body’s capacity/breaking point? I’m trying to imagine it in my head.
When you choose poverty, you are hovering in a liminal state, not quite fully participating, but spiritually—you might be able to feel a lightness. Because you’re not tied down to Kronos. Or the Machine’s numbers and profiteering game. You’re free to be able to throw yourself fully into something, disappear and be one, and therefore feel spiritually full. It’s easier to do that with the freedom of time. With the headspace, without fear. It’s not so easy to do that when you have to earn within the confines of the capitalist machine.
You try to be okay. We all “try” to make it work, but reality is something cracks. Something degrades and erodes. You cannot for example, have 2 part-time jobs, a social life, an online social life, and a long-distance relationship. No, that’s too much. Maybe, you can have 2-part time jobs, a tiny offline social life, and a long-distance relationship. But not all the previous elements. Or maybe, we just don’t have the right rhythm for it because The Machine took away our creativity. The rhyme is different. There is no reason. There doesn’t have to be.
Perhaps, after I’ve calmed down... I can let go of this story and re-imagine all of this in terms of the largeness and limitlessness of the soul. What about the spiritual life? The largeness of everything, and how all and each of us are carried and nurtured within this everything, and it’s going to be okay. Perhaps. Perhaps.
I de-activated my Instagram account. I knew it was going to happen. This push and pull. It’s really hard not to feel like I’m enough. It’s really hard not to feel like I’m giving too much again. I don’t know know what to do. I asked, and let’s see what he answers. I’m scared that the answer is… you can’t be. Not in this life.