Hello, Fediverse!
I am very aware of my n00bness. But, let’s try anyway? Follow for Zen/witchy/pop culture/mind wanderings of a 38-year-old woman living somewhere near the equator.
somewhere to synthesise
I am very aware of my n00bness. But, let’s try anyway? Follow for Zen/witchy/pop culture/mind wanderings of a 38-year-old woman living somewhere near the equator.
My Love called me while on his daily walk. He is miles away so an unexpected phone call in the middle of my day—what an underrated and sacred gesture. We get to speak daily, but we don’t hug or touch at all. So any point of connecting in the present, in the same moment, brings about waves of gratitude. He is full of life and I love everything about him. I heard cars tires screech against the asphalt, and he said that there was some sort of getaway-car-chase scene happening. Then I pointed out that somehow, whenever I’m listening to him whether it’s a call or our voice notes, I seem to get a taste of the America that the media shows to the rest of the world.
Chaos and such scenes, are always finding him—but maybe it’s because, we each call upon and even, welcome that energy? That neither of us are afraid of it?
Anyway, I’m obsessed with him. It’s not a secret. I was also speaking to a friend over the weekend, that that’s how you find longevity in partnership. Find someone you can be sustainably obsessed with, who is equally obsessed with you. Healthily obsessed with? I’m here, and he’s there, but we are fundamentally connected. For the first time in my love life, I feel a very calm bond with someone. The connectedness. The magnetism of connection beyond the physical, that it is hard to describe. True and pure connection. I believe our meditation has something to do with it but maybe it’s also because in the philosophies, studies, teachings I/we follow, the world and things are less separate—there is more spaciousness and in that spaciousness, love is the guiding force and principle. And if love is the guiding force and principle, you always invite it to the moment. Even when it’s one of those moodier days. Even if you’re shaken by life happening and things are going haywire and wayward, when you leave a little gap for love—there is a lightness to things, and the moment can be filled with more ease.
Suffering in duality. It seems that part of being human, means that we have to first feel the pain of duality in the physical world. To be in the mud. Even how the body was structured has dualism and disparity/disjointedness. To be feeling your body in the mud. Perhaps we have to be aware of that first, before we can learn to recognize and be aware of the love that unifies, and the joy in all things.
It’s been an eventful few weeks, yet I feel more grounded and anchored in my body and my purpose. Chaos continues to exist all around as it does, but I’m able to say I am well-rested and that I have been able to meditate at least once a day and find pause. It shouldn’t feel like a luxury or a privilege, but these days, in our capitalist context, I feel so very fortunate I get to share with friends that I am in fact getting a lot of time to rest, and that I can and do take a lot of naps.
Making time for my self-maintenance and creating new routines, have soothed and smoothed the body’s wrinkles and bumps that I felt were stuck in my body. I felt these most last year until early this year, when I was still making very unaligned choices. The steadiness of music and in general, more movement have also been helpful to my daily living. Stretching first thing in the morning and also when I remember to, late at night. Even if I don’t have an exact set thing to do yet. Remembering to reach my arms out to the sky and bend to touch my toes, a couple of times a day feels good. Do you have a daily movement routine for your body? I highly recommend adding it to your calendar if you don’t. Next for me is to actually follow a set of movements and repeat them throughout the day/week. Small steps.
I felt things change when I decided to be present, to take things one step at a time, and not inundate and overwhelm myself. No one was asking me to rush. No one was asking me to exhaust myself. No one, except the voices of old societal expectations, was demanding perfection. But, it’s a pattern I kept returning to and repeating. The need to be on top of every little branch and aspect in my life. The need to be busy. The need to feel appreciated through productivity and my work. The need to feel “safe” and “secure” through material wealth and material gain.
The thing with that is, you do start to lose track of the ground and what’s actually there. And what is here, is the life force within my body. When I begin here, I can appreciate every little thing. From the single breath I inhale and then another, to exhale. That I can adjust my posture to feel my breath come through more freely and release it out into the open. That I can even type at all. When I breathe, I can also feel and quietly listen to life happening all around me. My neighbors moving about in their rooms, opening cabinets and drawers. Today, the construction sounds from across the street are gentler, but perhaps they’ve just taken a break for lunch.
I titled this post Theramin Sorceress, because it’s a card I pulled yesterday. Just before I left for the local music festival to meet up with friends. The card spoke of subtle energies, similar to what I was writing in the previous paragraph. When you find pause, and quiet. You can feel so much. Unlike your thoughts, body sensations are enough sometimes to understand and feel apart of the world. To be human is to be able to feel, and to recognize sensations and learn that we have been conditioned to be too attached to these things. We can learn to notice when my body “needs/wants” to straighten, when I realize I am not feeling good hunched over my keyboard, and that’s all there is to it. When you’re quiet, everything comes more naturally. Even the slightest movements. Can you sense the subtle energies?
Purpose: Sun in The Star
There are two figures, two women on this card. They are of a lighter blue than the background colour. One of them appears very relaxed, and is reclined with her hands interlaced behind her head. She has put down her vessel beside her. She is floating in a galactic liquid. Apparently, daydreaming, and pursuing grand adventures in her mind. The other woman, appears to be the traditional visual representation of Aquarius, and is more focused on her task at hand. She is carrying a vessel similar to her companion’s, over her right shoulder and something is being poured out of it. More stars? Dreams? Whatever “it” is, their bodies are immersed in it, this shallow galactic river bed. The one lying down, her buttocks is fully immersed, but the rest of her limbs are raised slightly, like she is about to get into a “happy baby” or a “butterfly” yoga pose. As for the one with the vessel over her shoulder, the galactic river comes up to her knees. Does it flow forever?
My self-expression and power source, does tend to honor both these women. One is coming from ease, a relaxed place, while the other is also fully committed to the task at hand, to her purpose—to pouring and sharing a dreamy, hopeful soup from a very abundant vessel.
Body: Moon in Temperance
The 14th card, is Temperance, in other words. Moderation. There is water flowing straight down from The Source, placed right in the middle of the card, from the top edge. This blue liquid, flows straight into four stacked cups on a saucer, which is balancing on two fingers of a blue hand emerging from a lotus flower. The ‘water’ or liquid then overflows from two thin steams on either side of the stacked cups and into other cups. On the left, the water stream is flowing into a single cup on top of a saucer, balancing on another blue hand, also emerging from a lotus flower on a lily pad. To the right of the middle hand, the other stream flows into 8 stacked teacups with no saucer. Still, it is also balanced by a blue hand. There are also thinner water streams flowing out from each of the cups on either side of the stack of cups in the middle. In spite of the individual elements looking a bit abundant, indulgent, and somewhat chaotic—upon closer inspection, everything is balanced. All is well. There is poise and even, restraint.
My body needs to be in a state of equilibrium in order for it to function with poise. I notice a change, when I am jolted by something from the the outside. My body tends to react first. I need to learn to respond. To feel, but I still need to sit. To breathe. Being.
Motivation: The Emperor Rising
The figure has a golden ram head. Is he half-man, half-human? His ram head is very imposing. He’s not facing the viewer. We see only one side of his face. He is seated in a chair made out of diamonds, or perhaps some kind of crystal… is it jade? He is holding a scepter in his left hand and his right hand, is very casually placed on his lap. His left foot is firmly planted on the ground, while his right foot is able to balance a golden apple on the tip of his shoe. He looks calm and he knows what he is doing. He is striking a balance between power and poise, while still able to pull off a rather unorthodox, and unnecessary showy move, with the apple. He appears in control and unbothered.
Am I a master of the skills that I have acquired and what I have learned? Can I be confident in my actions? What can I do to be more secure and confident? What do I need? Can I ask for help?
_When will she stop pouring from the vessel and just be?
I’m back from the best coast. The dreamiest coast. California is special. I would visit the Bay Area as a kid.
At least 3 relatives on my mother’s side of the family lived there until their deaths. Even my mother resides there now. I learned that we could’ve easily been American citizens before she married our father, but she decided against it.
This trip reminded me why they wrote all those songs about it. Joni’s California.
Sadly, they still won’t give peace a chance, even today in 2026.
It’s a time to be, and a time to share. To give a piece of yourself to your purpose. On this path, you must therefore let go of people and things that do not align with that purpose.
“Not all [blank]…,” he said.
You are in service of others. You feel and think deeply for others. If you cannot feel deeply about someone in your midst and that you cannot envision them as part of your purpose… then why venture forth. It’s time to say goodbye. It’s time to go.
“What do you secretly wish for?
Perhaps, this isn’t a question for me, but for him.
“Please add these songs to the wedding playlist,” your sister wrote. That wedding is long gone so you deleted the draft reply where you suggested songs from The Parent Trap soundtrack—the one with Lindsay Lohan.
There is also a letter to your ex-boyfriend’s family. “Thank you for everything. You will always have a place in my heart.” You thought this would remain true, but it is a truth that has taken a different shape.
There was another letter questioning an old flame. “In retrospect, I should've. We've been very up front about everything, what makes this part any different?”
This looked like it was meant to be a blog post:_ “Three years is hard to “separate into pieces”. It's difficult to splinter yourself from a person who has affected and influenced your life and outlook for more than a thousand days. Yes, a thousand days. I calculated. Three years is a long time. That's about 24,000 hours.”_
From having 84 dead drafts—the Drafts folder is now empty.
It was a nightmare disguised as a dream: My wedding day. I “arrived” at this stadium, a sports complex only to have someone say “Surprise! It’s your wedding day!” I was swiftly informed that my groom (implied that it was JM) was waiting for me at a secret location, and that in the meantime I could get “ready” and meet the entourage and his friends before I make it to our ceremony.
I did not like the vibes of whatever it was I was stepping into. I was inexplicably already in a wedding dress. In a garment that didn’t feel like me, and when I had mentioned hair and makeup… they were dismissive. They insisted I looked fine. It’s my wedding day, RELAX! But I remembered I looked in the mirror and wasn’t pleased with the colours on my face. They insisted that all I had to do was show up to the as yet revealed top secret location. My man’ll be there. The dream dragged on. Every person I met along the way, was not a friend. It was not my kind of crowd. There were many faces of people in my past, in bodies that don’t feel familiar. And if it was a friend of the groom’s, they had such a toxic-bro vibe. There was also a great lack of diversity.
My sister made an appearance, and as she has been known to do, gently encouraged me to stay on this wrong path. She wanted me to continue on with the sham marriage, in spite of my protestations. Even though I was resistant. She insisted. The whole thing felt so incompatible with my dream/desired life.
Death (Water) — What am I meant to let go of? What of my habits, or what part of my ego, should I allow to die? I sense this has something to do with my materialism and past attachments to ideas, things, life. Especially as I have been moving in such a swift way with my objects and letting go. I intuit that this is the correct path.
Valour (7 of Wands) — The momentum for me to put my all into this transformation and shift is here. What will I do with it? What could prevent me from my ascension or advancement towards my goal? I am being asked to give it all I got and to fight.
Queen of Disks — How do I begin to value myself? Today, I spent $20 on my food for the rest of the week. I made myself a lovely fried rice with my favourite shrimp. Am I remembering to take care of my body in other ways? How will I fulfill and enact my transformations if I don’t take good care and consider my body?
The Fool — Here I am. With so many hopes and dreams. Renewed. Re-energised. I am a Fool. I begin again. I have so much potential for growth. I have so much to learn. I will shed what I must in order to grow through life and be where I need to be. There is hope because I have faith
The Prince — There are no limits. I have the passion. I need to remember to rest and be able to sustain this creative fire to get me through. This is not a limitless energy. It is finite. I must put it into the right moment and the right effort. Trust in my unlimited creative potential. Go for it. There is impatience here so I must seize the moment!
The Princess — What are my next steps? I need to be brave and bold to move all of this forward and enact creative change. There are a few things going on but I can handle them with all this energy as long as I am mindful and not overly carefree. There’s the house maintenance stuff. Current work stuff. Future work stuff and all the other future-building I need to complete.
Focus now and dare to dream.