3c0

I woke up thinking it was Friday on Thursday morning. That’s the first time in a long time that I woke up a little disoriented and not knowing the days. I attribute it to the fact that I got really upset during a work meeting the evening before (Wed).

I reached a boiling point and allowed myself to get to uncharted levels of frustration. Very unusual for me because anger is not my best suit. Because of the mood swing, I wrote nothing in my journal/diary and sat for a while in that timeless feeling.

I get very aware when my body is upset. My voice cracks. I feel very vulnerable. I feel like my not-self. I note that I haven’t been meditating at a regular time. My routine and discipline is neither here nor there.

I need to create a schedule and routine that includes more silence and meditation throughout my day and certain immovable things like our Fridya meditations.

Ideally, during the weekdays especially, I am meditating before coffee. Before 9am. After a stretch. Then, after a slowed down moment in my bed. Then again, checking-into my body in the middle of my day at 2pm or 3pm. Then once more winding down my evening. It was really lovely in Santa Barbara, meditating in the cold crisp late evenings.

The goal is to find somewhere new to work by December. For now, let’s keep going. Keep being… transparent.

There was a video that showed up on my feed today (now Saturday when I send this off) about how—we are all trying to find an identity, but if our aim is to be more transparent, to be more “nothing”, it will help us find peace.

Applying that to what happened last week. I got angry, because I’ve been so frustrated in my work, not feeling seen, not feeling trusted, not feeling recognized—this is the ego wanting to be a certain form or shape.

So then my anger and defensiveness shot up.

So what if I was just more… transparent?