I woke up thinking it was Friday on Thursday morning. That’s the first time in a long time that I woke up a little disoriented and not knowing the days. I attribute it to the fact that I got really upset during a work meeting the evening before (Wed).

I reached a boiling point and allowed myself to get to uncharted levels of frustration. Very unusual for me because anger is not my best suit. Because of the mood swing, I wrote nothing in my journal/diary and sat for a while in that timeless feeling.

I get very aware when my body is upset. My voice cracks. I feel very vulnerable. I feel like my not-self. I note that I haven’t been meditating at a regular time. My routine and discipline is neither here nor there.

I need to create a schedule and routine that includes more silence and meditation throughout my day and certain immovable things like our Fridya meditations.

Ideally, during the weekdays especially, I am meditating before coffee. Before 9am. After a stretch. Then, after a slowed down moment in my bed. Then again, checking-into my body in the middle of my day at 2pm or 3pm. Then once more winding down my evening. It was really lovely in Santa Barbara, meditating in the cold crisp late evenings.

The goal is to find somewhere new to work by December. For now, let’s keep going. Keep being… transparent.

There was a video that showed up on my feed today (now Saturday when I send this off) about how—we are all trying to find an identity, but if our aim is to be more transparent, to be more “nothing”, it will help us find peace.

Applying that to what happened last week. I got angry, because I’ve been so frustrated in my work, not feeling seen, not feeling trusted, not feeling recognized—this is the ego wanting to be a certain form or shape.

So then my anger and defensiveness shot up.

So what if I was just more… transparent?

#writing #knowthyself

It’s been an eventful few weeks, yet I feel more grounded and anchored in my body and my purpose. Chaos continues to exist all around as it does, but I’m able to say I am well-rested and that I have been able to meditate at least once a day and find pause. It shouldn’t feel like a luxury or a privilege, but these days, in our capitalist context, I feel so very fortunate I get to share with friends that I am in fact getting a lot of time to rest, and that I can and do take a lot of naps.

Making time for my self-maintenance and creating new routines, have soothed and smoothed the body’s wrinkles and bumps that I felt were stuck in my body. I felt these most last year until early this year, when I was still making very unaligned choices. The steadiness of music and in general, more movement have also been helpful to my daily living. Stretching first thing in the morning and also when I remember to, late at night. Even if I don’t have an exact set thing to do yet. Remembering to reach my arms out to the sky and bend to touch my toes, a couple of times a day feels good. Do you have a daily movement routine for your body? I highly recommend adding it to your calendar if you don’t. Next for me is to actually follow a set of movements and repeat them throughout the day/week. Small steps.

I felt things change when I decided to be present, to take things one step at a time, and not inundate and overwhelm myself. No one was asking me to rush. No one was asking me to exhaust myself. No one, except the voices of old societal expectations, was demanding perfection. But, it’s a pattern I kept returning to and repeating. The need to be on top of every little branch and aspect in my life. The need to be busy. The need to feel appreciated through productivity and my work. The need to feel “safe” and “secure” through material wealth and material gain.

The thing with that is, you do start to lose track of the ground and what’s actually there. And what is here, is the life force within my body. When I begin here, I can appreciate every little thing. From the single breath I inhale and then another, to exhale. That I can adjust my posture to feel my breath come through more freely and release it out into the open. That I can even type at all. When I breathe, I can also feel and quietly listen to life happening all around me. My neighbors moving about in their rooms, opening cabinets and drawers. Today, the construction sounds from across the street are gentler, but perhaps they’ve just taken a break for lunch.

I titled this post Theramin Sorceress, because it’s a card I pulled yesterday. Just before I left for the local music festival to meet up with friends. The card spoke of subtle energies, similar to what I was writing in the previous paragraph. When you find pause, and quiet. You can feel so much. Unlike your thoughts, body sensations are enough sometimes to understand and feel apart of the world. To be human is to be able to feel, and to recognize sensations and learn that we have been conditioned to be too attached to these things. We can learn to notice when my body “needs/wants” to straighten, when I realize I am not feeling good hunched over my keyboard, and that’s all there is to it. When you’re quiet, everything comes more naturally. Even the slightest movements. Can you sense the subtle energies?

#tarot #knowthyself #observations #daily

Purpose: Sun in The Star

There are two figures, two women on this card. They are of a lighter blue than the background colour. One of them appears very relaxed, and is reclined with her hands interlaced behind her head. She has put down her vessel beside her. She is floating in a galactic liquid. Apparently, daydreaming, and pursuing grand adventures in her mind. The other woman, appears to be the traditional visual representation of Aquarius, and is more focused on her task at hand. She is carrying a vessel similar to her companion’s, over her right shoulder and something is being poured out of it. More stars? Dreams? Whatever “it” is, their bodies are immersed in it, this shallow galactic river bed. The one lying down, her buttocks is fully immersed, but the rest of her limbs are raised slightly, like she is about to get into a “happy baby” or a “butterfly” yoga pose. As for the one with the vessel over her shoulder, the galactic river comes up to her knees. Does it flow forever?

My self-expression and power source, does tend to honor both these women. One is coming from ease, a relaxed place, while the other is also fully committed to the task at hand, to her purpose—to pouring and sharing a dreamy, hopeful soup from a very abundant vessel.

Body: Moon in Temperance

The 14th card, is Temperance, in other words. Moderation. There is water flowing straight down from The Source, placed right in the middle of the card, from the top edge. This blue liquid, flows straight into four stacked cups on a saucer, which is balancing on two fingers of a blue hand emerging from a lotus flower. The ‘water’ or liquid then overflows from two thin steams on either side of the stacked cups and into other cups. On the left, the water stream is flowing into a single cup on top of a saucer, balancing on another blue hand, also emerging from a lotus flower on a lily pad. To the right of the middle hand, the other stream flows into 8 stacked teacups with no saucer. Still, it is also balanced by a blue hand. There are also thinner water streams flowing out from each of the cups on either side of the stack of cups in the middle. In spite of the individual elements looking a bit abundant, indulgent, and somewhat chaotic—upon closer inspection, everything is balanced. All is well. There is poise and even, restraint.

My body needs to be in a state of equilibrium in order for it to function with poise. I notice a change, when I am jolted by something from the the outside. My body tends to react first. I need to learn to respond. To feel, but I still need to sit. To breathe. Being.

Motivation: The Emperor Rising

The figure has a golden ram head. Is he half-man, half-human? His ram head is very imposing. He’s not facing the viewer. We see only one side of his face. He is seated in a chair made out of diamonds, or perhaps some kind of crystal… is it jade? He is holding a scepter in his left hand and his right hand, is very casually placed on his lap. His left foot is firmly planted on the ground, while his right foot is able to balance a golden apple on the tip of his shoe. He looks calm and he knows what he is doing. He is striking a balance between power and poise, while still able to pull off a rather unorthodox, and unnecessary showy move, with the apple. He appears in control and unbothered.

Am I a master of the skills that I have acquired and what I have learned? Can I be confident in my actions? What can I do to be more secure and confident? What do I need? Can I ask for help?

_When will she stop pouring from the vessel and just be?

#magic #tarot #knowthyself

“Please add these songs to the wedding playlist,” your sister wrote. That wedding is long gone so you deleted the draft reply where you suggested songs from The Parent Trap soundtrack—the one with Lindsay Lohan.

There is also a letter to your ex-boyfriend’s family. “Thank you for everything. You will always have a place in my heart.” You thought this would remain true, but it is a truth that has taken a different shape.

There was another letter questioning an old flame. “In retrospect, I should've. We've been very up front about everything, what makes this part any different?”

This looked like it was meant to be a blog post:_ “Three years is hard to “separate into pieces”. It's difficult to splinter yourself from a person who has affected and influenced your life and outlook for more than a thousand days. Yes, a thousand days. I calculated. Three years is a long time. That's about 24,000 hours.”_

From having 84 dead drafts—the Drafts folder is now empty.

#daily #knowthyself #pastlife

Death (Water) — What am I meant to let go of? What of my habits, or what part of my ego, should I allow to die? I sense this has something to do with my materialism and past attachments to ideas, things, life. Especially as I have been moving in such a swift way with my objects and letting go. I intuit that this is the correct path.

Valour (7 of Wands) — The momentum for me to put my all into this transformation and shift is here. What will I do with it? What could prevent me from my ascension or advancement towards my goal? I am being asked to give it all I got and to fight.

Queen of Disks — How do I begin to value myself? Today, I spent $20 on my food for the rest of the week. I made myself a lovely fried rice with my favourite shrimp. Am I remembering to take care of my body in other ways? How will I fulfill and enact my transformations if I don’t take good care and consider my body?

#tarot #daily #selfmaintenance #knowthyself

The Fool — Here I am. With so many hopes and dreams. Renewed. Re-energised. I am a Fool. I begin again. I have so much potential for growth. I have so much to learn. I will shed what I must in order to grow through life and be where I need to be. There is hope because I have faith

The Prince — There are no limits. I have the passion. I need to remember to rest and be able to sustain this creative fire to get me through. This is not a limitless energy. It is finite. I must put it into the right moment and the right effort. Trust in my unlimited creative potential. Go for it. There is impatience here so I must seize the moment!

The Princess — What are my next steps? I need to be brave and bold to move all of this forward and enact creative change. There are a few things going on but I can handle them with all this energy as long as I am mindful and not overly carefree. There’s the house maintenance stuff. Current work stuff. Future work stuff and all the other future-building I need to complete.

Focus now and dare to dream.

#tarot #daily #selfmaintenance #knowthyself

I have now done a handful of readings for friends in the last weeks and I marvel how natural it has all come about.

There is a demand for intimate self-knowledge and deep knowing.

We are surrounded by dire fires and it’s not too late to thirst and ask for water.

We don’t just need cups, we need buckets. We need vessels for all these feelings we suppress and repress. We need love, and more love still.

I am grateful to be in a place where I am so at ease talking about the feminine and the yin. Unapologetically feeling and female. Silent in my determination, to love.

I look over my shoulder and I see old and younger versions of me, so full of joy for the woman I’ve become.

I have all that I need.

#tarot #daily #selfmaintenance #knowthyself

Happy 420am as I write this. I’m sitting crossed legged on the floor with the laptop propped on the edge of my bed. An AI-generated Spotify playlist is playing in the background while I type. On Instagram, I was served an ad with a catchy tune by an American indie band that wrote some songs in Spanish and I got hooked. The playlist was generated from that track.

I’m awake because I slept through the first of February. No regrets, except I’m wondering, what time I should actually nap later or should I just stay awake until early evening tomorrow?

I announced this sabbatical very privately within my work network, but not all my friends know about it yet. I still have access to my work email and can see the different colleagues and clients responding to my goodbye. I had forgotten to cc my personal/work email.

This feeling of “emptiness” that I don’t have to think about a company’s goals as I putter and idle in my house, feels extra luxurious. I still have my other part-time work, but the lightness is incredible. Miraculous.

I look back on the month and so much happened. I haven’t wrapped my head around the happenings of the year, either. I’m poring over my journals and various notebooks. How do the days pass so effortlessly and fleeting ? In August last year, our local indie theatre closed and now, it’s February and they’re opening again. They chose to hit reset, which is what it feels like I’m doing. I intended it to be a mental break, but it’s only my second day and I actually feel the “reset”. A little before my card pull, I started to “feel” and “vibe” certain things. Goosebumps as I went about my day and noticed things.

I feel the alignment and clarity, again.

It’s crazy how we all need to pause, take a step back, in order to feel this present and well in our bodies. Most of us feel shackled and chained like we aren’t allowed to catch our breath or have a moment to ourselves. I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to be.

#daily #selfmaintenance #knowthyself #writing