My body becomes so aware when I am speaking out of turn. When, I am getting ahead of myself a little bit. I was quite excitable and energetic today because I got to have a real, full nap. I had the most energy in the room even though it was almost 1AM for me. I am aware that my curiosity, drive, and even spirit is “not for everyone”. And that’s okay.

I wrote the above after one of the online workshops I attended after my last work call finished at 11:30pm. I was late as a result. A part of me felt too tired to show up at all. It’s my first full week working the two jobs (I now thankfully have), and in spite of napping and sleeping as much as I can, I could feel my body yearn for rest and silence. But, because I was given a free ride “scholarship” for the workshop, I wanted to challenge myself to show up in spite of the difficulties and resistance.

This was a space of ideas with fellow-learners. I wanted to show up for them. As a former flake, it was always easier for me to choose myself and disappear or choose what I want instead of what might be for the greater good and the good of the community, or even just one other person. I put myself first because I had it in my head that I was the only one who cared about me. Last night I chose community and I note that it has been my default of late, to think bigger and wider, than to just narrow in on what makes me, and only me feel good. I’m very happy I joined the session, even if I was a little late. I actually wrote something substantive on LinkedIn as a result. And that makes me feel good. Writing hasn’t felt easy or natural in the last few months. I’m trying to get around that by reading.

As mentioned, Ursula K. Le Guin’s essay-blog collection is inspiring me to focus and gather my thoughts and concentrate on one topic. Tonight, pre-amble and pleasantries aside, I am restless because there’s so much to say and write about grief.

Where do I even begin? Do I begin with the fact that in order to look for tissues a few minutes ago, I had to open the door to my storage and then remove piles of clothes, only to place them on top of another pile of clothes, just to look for a stack of tissues. They weren’t even where I thought they were. They were safely in the closet because I had dreaded about a future where I was piling clothes on top of piles of clothes in order to look for them. I had forgotten that I planned for this moment.

“In every ending, there is a passage”

I have put everything away so I can focus on grief. I grieve this job that I’ve held onto for the last 6, almost 7 years. It was my dream job. I put my heart and soul to get this and make it happen. This is the shift.

I even, whilst puttering around my studio, found the journal entry I wrote when I was in the final interview stages and when I REALLY WANTED IT (yes all caps)!!! It was sweet to see my enthusiasm before the job and how I also kindly, left room for my soul to also imagine the alternative: What if I didn’t get it?

I am much more conscious about my energy input and output. I value myself and recognize what I bring to the table. I had been giving so much to a lot to people and companies that may have recognized my skill, but not the way I like to work and be valued. It was to the point where out of desperation for a job and security, I’d just stick to something even though I knew from the jump that they didn’t trust me completely (which affects how I work), so then I would begin work with a seed of doubt in myself and what I brought to the table. And that bit of doubt is a seed that gets planted and then grows into a painful, thorny plant if it continues to grow unnoticed. I don’t want to do that anymore. There’s no need to cling and to grasp and to fit in spaces where I am not welcome and am worse, invisible. And that’s where I’ll end this.

#writing #daily #grief

Thanks, Matt, Creator of Write.as, for making this space for us.

The more I think about it, while I do write for myself. I also write for the random stranger who happens to find this today. Whomever you are, hello. I hope you stick around and start writing too.

When I scroll through my recent writings here, there is a part of me that wonders if I’m contributing to the ‘slop’ somehow. I trust that Creator Matt, does not secretly have a deal with LLM Lords or that he’s quietly building his own, and then feeding our words to it. The vibes of this platform feel very neutral and safe, which is why it’s one of the few places I’m paying to play and participate in.

I’m currently reading a compilation of Ursula K. Le Guin’s blog posts, and wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. She writes all forms so beautifully. Blogging itself became an art form, before SEO, BuzzFeed, content monetization, and clicks took over the Internet.

Remember when writers and creatives joined us on Livejournal? It was such a different world. Where does everyone write these days? The “celebrities” seem to like Substack. It would be very wild if someone among the whole list of supporters of Write.as, actually had more than 5,000 followers on a social media platform and are finding some fun with anonymity here.

I’m thinking of pulling a card before bed, but I’ve word-vomitted enough. I’ll try my best to dedicate time to write about a theme, and more coherently. Or maybe, at the very least, come up with a format if I am going to continue writing tarot-related posts here.

Discuss...

#writing #daily #focused

My body. I’m building this. It will be strong and it will find time to walk or move at least 30 minutes each day. I will move slowly and intentionally. I will feed it the most nourishing things, at least 5 meals with vegetables and fruits each week. I will rest and move gently when I need to.

My mind. I’m building this. It will be responsive and calm, and not reactive. Compassionate and not abrasive. I will feed it nourishing and gentle knowledge. I will let go of thoughts. I will write and reflect for at least 20 minutes each day to encourage equanimity.

My spirit. I’m building this. It will be strong and connected to all. I will meditate at least 20 minutes each session. Preferably twice each day, once in the morning and once in the evening.

All is one. I see this and acknowledge this. Apart from all that I’ve said I will do. I will pull a card to further reflect on everything as one. I will reflect on things I notice. What about these things can teach a lesson for my body, mind, and spirit today?

—

Aside from these, writing to report and note that I’m a regular Redditor! I even have the app downloaded on my phone. I don’t think I ever was, but it’s been a place of refuge for the very specific topics and things I’m into, namely, photography with my RicohGR3, tarot readings and tarot deck discussions. On the latter, I’m mindful to buy any more without actual client work. But it’s been interesting to see the different decks we are each drawn to. My starter decks are so different from everyone’s. I was conscious and mindful about not starting with the Rider-Waite or the more traditional decks. My most-used deck is actually Thoth-based and I was surprised to learn that very recently.

Anyway, the community-collective aspect of Reddit has always been its strength. That and the S-tier humour. I appreciate that there’s still a community vibe somewhere on the Internet. I have noticed though, people can be so quick to react and judge people, even to those that are out-rightly asking for help. Why can’t we help without judging? Why do we have to know the whole context?

#daily #writing #takingcare #DirtGemsOracle #reflection

The deadline for the blog came and went. It wasn’t as bad or as scary as I’d begun to feel, but I still can’t help but wonder and feel whether or not my supervisor supports what I suggest. I always feel a pushback or resistance. Especially, lately. I’m trying to observe it without letting it drown me or alter my intention and motivation. I’m simply allowing the frustration that comes with this realization to come visit without it dampening or overpowering my solidity and even my intuition. I do not need the validation of anyone, but in order for me to work well with someone, I do need their trust. I need them to already recognize that I have a consistent and solid work ethic and very strong principles. And when decided, I get things done. I woke up feeling a little lighter about the blog that needed to be published knowing that I just need to clean up a few things and that it’s finally ready. I put it through one of those AI writing detectors just in case

Synchronicity

I was 10 minutes late for meditation today. I haven’t been sleeping at the right hours. I’ve been sleeping at 304am and waking up at 9am at the very earliest but, 11am on average. I had been thinking a lot about The City and Its Uncertain Walls novel and its themes were on my mind as a sat for the meditation. During the Dharma talk, I was still a little sleepy, and so I closed my eyes to listen. I like that what was being shared with us was from the Monk’s direct experience, and about how there is more to life than discipline and following the “things you think you need to do”. That it’s still important to let the light in. The translator first used the word shadow instead of light, but when I asked to clarify, when we were allowed to ask questions, apparently she meant to translate “komorebi” which is the phenomena of “sunlight leaking through trees”and it immediately made me think of the book.

There are these and small things throughout the day that always make me feel that everything is truly connected.

Printing Era

My friend L found a printer outside her doorstep some weeks ago (the one that I had to lug and bring along on my night out dancing). I finally got a chance to test whether or not it works. I bought printer ink and installed it today, and… *drum-roll* it works! It absolutely works. Nothing printed when I used the old ink, but once replaced—everything worked out. I only paid $50 for the ink, and it’s a usable machine. I can’t believe that that’s where we are. People are so well-to-do and comfortable that they leave perfectly usable machines and electronics out on their doorsteps, to take, for free.

#writing #daily

I woke up later than I was meant to yesterday. It’s my own doing. I’m trying to squeeze time writing at unorthodox hours, but then I end up watching YouTube, which depletes and distracts me. I also had a very social week. I’ve noticed that when I do have less time for myself, I tend to get tired quickly.

New friends (through another friend L) were hosting a Blu-Ray screening of What a Way to Go! a film released in 1964 around lunch time and I only woke up 1 hour before it was meant to start. I took my time and texted that I would be late, and ended up arriving an hour later than the time on the calendar invite. This would have normally made me spiral into a certain state of mind, and feel like a bad friend, but I have decided that on weekends especially, Chronos, should not be followed, and should take a back seat. I picked up some goods at the bakery first but by the time I showed up, I still had only missed 20 minutes or so of the film. They were sweet enough to pause it for me so I could settle in. A&C, our hosts, were such a laid-back and sweet couple. They let us, the guests occupy the couch, so 4 of us were cozily squeezed in, and made sure we had pillows, blankets, snacks, and everything.

C had a DJ set at one of the local parties afterwards so that’s where 5 out of the group of 7 headed right after. Needless to say, I danced my pants off all Sunday. I didn’t stay till the end of the headliner DJ’s set though, but I figured since I stepped foot on the dance floor at 4pm (barely anyone else was dancing), I was allowed to leave whenever I fancied. In my mind, I wanted to get home before the crowds restlessly headed out together. Parties can be chaotic in the aftermath, everyone either trying to get a private car, or walking towards the bus stop. And besides, I had a printer with me (yes, a whole machine in a large brown paper bag) and decided to trek towards the nearest bus stop as soon as I found a peaceful moment to do so.

I’ve been taking the physical copy of the book I’m reading around with me on my commute. Right now it’s Haruki Murakami’s latest The City and Its Uncertain Walls. Unlike Miranda July’s All Fours, which is the last novel I remember enjoying with the same interest and enthusiasm, I am reading this one slowly and pausing to put it down between chapters. I had consciously decided not to bring it with me to the film screening, but I did borrow a book at A&C’s house so that kept me company on my bus ride home. It’s Mark Ronson’s memoir called Night People: How to be a DJ in ‘90s New York City. It’s charming, but I don’t know that I’ll finish it. I like his persona on the page, but I didn’t realize until I started to read, how privileged and nepotistic his upbringing was. I didn’t know he was a son of a former famous person. This is not anything I think he is meant to feel guilty about, but the fact itself does not make me feel drawn to his world either. The growing up in NYC in the ‘90s part intrigued me, but as I kept turning each page, I can’t help but notice that a lot of his success in the world appeared before him because of his privilege. I’m turned off because I don’t get a sense of self-reflection on that.

Card Pulled from the MW deck: “Tornado Girl” Reading the meaning, I can feel that something has changed. I’ve been transported to a different landscape in a new body, and I’ve not been here before as this “self”. I wonder about the adventure that awaits.

#writing #daily #taro

I have leaned so much into my intuition that I can’t even question it anymore. Goosebumps all day, every day. The woo is a wooooey/lovely feeling, but I remember when I still wasn’t able to trust it. These days, I don’t need anyone to validate anything anymore. I don’t need solid answers, I just know. Yes, no, or maybe (which still means a no).

It’s funny and strange to look back and see the way I came from, and where I am now. I came from a place of many fears. Many Catholic sort of fears too. Dark. Haunted. Things. I was born into Catholicism and “left” The Church after university. I don’t follow any Catholic ritual or prayer, but I do revere and honor the mother of mothers, Mother Mary. I’m also not saying that I have absolutely no fears anymore. They come and visit, but it’s easier for me to recognize them when they are here, and that I know that I don’t want them staying ‘round for tea. Maybe a greeting and then a brief exchange about the weather, but that’s about it. I recognize them well enough, but I don’t want to hear too much from them. My fears are, after all formless feelings. They do not appear as they used to do in my Catholic brain, or how they are portrayed in scary films or media, in very ghastly and mangled/disfigured ways. They are just formless, heavier feelings.

The energies that doubt/or do not accept Truth, the answer, the culmination or conclusion of something—are unwilling or not ready to hear them yet. That’s all. There is no right or wrong way, in this game that is life. Things simply are. This is that feeling. No need to push back, or push away. Meet the wave as it comes, if it comes. Meet the moment, whatever is in that moment. However that moment is unraveling. Wherever you are, you are home.

#writing #daily

There are times when I won’t remember very much in the morning, but then if I concentrate hard enough, I am able to retrieve them. I usually pause and try really hard to come up with tiny elements or recall a tiny fragment—eventually, bigger chunks of the dreams emerge.

I notice that a lot of what I dream about has something to do with my every day. They don’t come from nothing. Whether it’s about eating less meat, or about my partner. All is one. Everything is connected.

Let’s do a card pull this evening: The Tyrant. Of course, I pull this one. I’ve just spent most of my day in front of the computer making graphics and working for this job that barely cares about me. I need to care about myself. In our society, where FREE love and care are so scarce.

Where Money is worshiped like God, we must remember to care. To let go of all that we think we must do. What are we called to do? What am I being called to do?

#writing #daily #tarot

It takes time to reduce your life to more manageable chunks. You need time to look at the things and cull. And I’d been putting this off.

I took out the piles of clothes and began to sort. Some of the things, I knew I wouldn’t ever wear again so without hesitation, I’ve stacked them in a “To Swap” pile. Some things are pretty or usefull, l but I know I’d never actually find any use for them so I have a “To Give” pile. I was thinking of walking around the neighborhood and carrying a few of the smaller items around and just randomly find people to gift them to. Of course, I would be discerning and approach only those who seemed friendly.

Baby steps.

#writing #daily

Chaos and such scenes, are always finding him—but maybe it’s because, we each call upon and even, welcome that energy? That neither of us are afraid of it?

Anyway, I’m obsessed with him. It’s not a secret. I was also speaking to a friend over the weekend, that that’s how you find longevity in partnership. Find someone you can be sustainably obsessed with, who is equally obsessed with you. Healthily obsessed with? I’m here, and he’s there, but we are fundamentally connected. For the first time in my love life, I feel a very calm bond with someone. The connectedness. The magnetism of connection beyond the physical, that it is hard to describe. True and pure connection. I believe our meditation has something to do with it but maybe it’s also because in the philosophies, studies, teachings I/we follow, the world and things are less separate—there is more spaciousness and in that spaciousness, love is the guiding force and principle. And if love is the guiding force and principle, you always invite it to the moment. Even when it’s one of those moodier days. Even if you’re shaken by life happening and things are going haywire and wayward, when you leave a little gap for love—there is a lightness to things, and the moment can be filled with more ease.

Suffering in duality. It seems that part of being human, means that we have to first feel the pain of duality in the physical world. To be in the mud. Even how the body was structured has dualism and disparity/disjointedness. To be feeling your body in the mud. Perhaps we have to be aware of that first, before we can learn to recognize and be aware of the love that unifies, and the joy in all things.

#writing #tarot #love #daily #braindump

Making time for my self-maintenance and creating new routines, have soothed and smoothed the body’s wrinkles and bumps that I felt were stuck in my body. I felt these most last year until early this year, when I was still making very unaligned choices. The steadiness of music and in general, more movement have also been helpful to my daily living. Stretching first thing in the morning and also when I remember to, late at night. Even if I don’t have an exact set thing to do yet. Remembering to reach my arms out to the sky and bend to touch my toes, a couple of times a day feels good. Do you have a daily movement routine for your body? I highly recommend adding it to your calendar if you don’t. Next for me is to actually follow a set of movements and repeat them throughout the day/week. Small steps.

I felt things change when I decided to be present, to take things one step at a time, and not inundate and overwhelm myself. No one was asking me to rush. No one was asking me to exhaust myself. No one, except the voices of old societal expectations, was demanding perfection. But, it’s a pattern I kept returning to and repeating. The need to be on top of every little branch and aspect in my life. The need to be busy. The need to feel appreciated through productivity and my work. The need to feel “safe” and “secure” through material wealth and material gain.

The thing with that is, you do start to lose track of the ground and what’s actually there. And what is here, is the life force within my body. When I begin here, I can appreciate every little thing. From the single breath I inhale and then another, to exhale. That I can adjust my posture to feel my breath come through more freely and release it out into the open. That I can even type at all. When I breathe, I can also feel and quietly listen to life happening all around me. My neighbors moving about in their rooms, opening cabinets and drawers. Today, the construction sounds from across the street are gentler, but perhaps they’ve just taken a break for lunch.

I titled this post Theramin Sorceress, because it’s a card I pulled yesterday. Just before I left for the local music festival to meet up with friends. The card spoke of subtle energies, similar to what I was writing in the previous paragraph. When you find pause, and quiet. You can feel so much. Unlike your thoughts, body sensations are enough sometimes to understand and feel apart of the world. To be human is to be able to feel, and to recognize sensations and learn that we have been conditioned to be too attached to these things. We can learn to notice when my body “needs/wants” to straighten, when I realize I am not feeling good hunched over my keyboard, and that’s all there is to it. When you’re quiet, everything comes more naturally. Even the slightest movements. Can you sense the subtle energies?

#tarot #knowthyself #observations #daily