That was a long one I wrote, but my computer froze and everything’s gone now. I had hoped Write.as would save it. Alas, not the case! I wrote about how getting here took some time. And that consciousness about every step of the way is important so that I don’t fall into the trap of illusion and delusion, and then spiraling and free-falling into a vortex of doom.

I have been grieving about my current work situation. Knowing that I need to let go of a story that I’d been writing about, very quietly, in some ways, shamefully, for the last six years. It clearly isn’t working anymore. I’ve had to shed that. That and the small project that allowed me to cover some costs in the last few months. They both have to go. The smallest project first. They have allowed me to continue surviving in this expensive city and now it’s time to move on, graciously. I knew that I was offering my services for less than what I normally do. All of that was conscious and intentional for the most recent small project.

This is important because we need to be mindful of our “worth”, of what gifts and services we are sharing, and with what intention and/or audience. When it’s unconscious, we run into more issues. As if the world continues to ask us: Do you really know yourself and your worth? Is this what you want? It’s a balancing act to answer the question because it’s not about a delulu sense of self, but a balance of confidence and humility.

You have these gifts, but you are constantly learning. You have these gifts, and you are not above anyone else. Others have their own gifts too and you’re all meant to share your gifts with each other. Unfortunately, in our patriarchal society, it feels like we are meant to be competing instead of sharing. Our first inclination is to compete. In actuality, we are supposed to share. Anyway, I step into the new direction, with the passion I’ve always had and gusto for a new direction and endeavor. I also have to let go of any worry. I can allow it to visit. I’m human and it’s normal to have fears. But, it’s not what it actually here. I acknowledge them (and they don’t really relate to work anyway, the fears belong to the heart matters).

The point is, the Queen of Swords appearing in my readings more than once, this week. It speaks to me. I am being asked to bring her energy forward and into the new project. Perspective. Knowing. Trusting my “I”, my knowing. The wisdom I’ve gained through the years. The discernment. I wield and hold my sword upright, and confidently. This is the way towards my transformation. From caterpillar to butterfly.

#daily #writing #Taro

These didn’t show up in the reading face up. They jumped out, facing down. The cards themselves have that vibe of solemnity and quiet. I forget now if they showed up before or after I got the text from one of my clients who said “We’ve got a problem”.

It irks me when people do that without explaining any context. How bad is bad? Is someone sick? Has someone died? Tell the person you want to message or inform that there is a problem, what kind of problem it is. Describe it a little. Don’t just text that. Best practice to break bad news?

Be direct. Be specific, but if the topic is sensitive, you may explain that need for sensitivity and that a more personal form of communication may be needed. Be mindful of your co-worker’s time so let them know how much of their time you’ll need. If it’s urgent, mention the action required. Here are some options for a script:

A: “Hey, we’ve run into an operational issue. Best to explain on the phone. When are you free for a chat? I’ll need 15 mins of your time tops.”

B: “Hey, there’s a big operational issue we’ve run into. Please pause all communications. Need 15 minutes on phone to keep you up to speed.”

The Hermit reminds me to introspect and retreat. I’ve been feeling that. I mentioned that I was doing what I loved all weekend. I was catching up on The Bear whilst crafting my Halloween costume. I’ve also been trying to be more disciplined about reading, journaling and introspecting. I wanted to be a little bit more socially disconnected these last few weeks. I’ve been full on otherwise. The 9 of Wands is also asking me to have faith. I’m resilient, I’ve come a long way and we’re almost at the end of the cycle of hardship.

#daily #writing #taro

The 4 is stable. I always think of stability when any card with the 4 comes up. I am reminded to think of a square. I think of yoga poses. The Tree Pose. I also think of a meditative pose when I think of the 4. Upright, and noble. Then, I read the suit. The Wands is a fiery one. What is a “stable” form of passion? Joy. Joy and celebrations. There is a hopeful and positive energy to the Four of Wands specifically because from the square, from the the solidity, a giddy energy emerges. The card itself, features two people, with their arms raised above them, outside of a walled city/castle-like structure. They have all that they need and have no fear about venturing out of their comfort zone. They are free to explore. They are free to celebrate, and hope.

This feels exactly where I am. I have been celebrating. I have been joyous.

On Friday, something clicked and changed. I had my weekly Zoom meditation with the folks in SB, then an hour later, I had a catch-up call with former colleagues, who were looking to find a person in their team. It was really nice to hear them speak so kindly of me and their excitement with the possibility of working together again. It made me remember the hellish vibes I had to walk through before I came out of the other side, feeling like I did my best and that contrary to my own deeply ingrained beliefs—that I can work with a corporate team and come out not hating myself or the job. I can come out of it resenting some characters and elements, but it was not all bad.

This weekend was the most restful and restorative. I allowed myself to feel good about the work I’ve done and the impressions I’ve left in people. I got to do things I love, without fear. I am feeling goosebumps right now. Goosebumps are part of my tool kit. I get them when I feel an alignment. I think they call it clairsentience.

#writing #daily #taro

We are experiencing a time of great knowledge “without a lot of meaning.” I was listening to a Tarot podcast and the host mentioned this. I couldn’t agree more. With the time I get to spend exploring, which I feel might come to an end soon, the “meaninglessness” of things is very obvious when you talk to other people who feel as though they have no choice or agency regarding their life. And the ones with some sort of faith, there is certainly greater agency, but it also makes me curious about what kind of Truth they are seeking.

Most of us are stuck in a capitalist nightmare of our own making. There’s the kernel of self-awareness and there’s actual self-awareness, where you can catch yourself falling into an egotistical tail-spin or a hyper-fixated thought. Many of us swim in the former, still. Self-awareness requires deep curiosity. Self-awareness requires humility. Self-awareness demands you to be wrong most of the time. I find myself enjoying being wrong, or having certain impressions first and then realizing that I feel differently after a conversation or further introspection. Isn’t it a lovely thing? That we can change our mind/thought/choices/selves?

I pulled the Knight of Swords card to inspire my outfit today. I’ve decided that while I can, I will pull a card for inspiration, and create something out of it. Today, it was inspiring myself to dress up beyond my comfort zone, and then venturing out. The Knight of Swords card, has teen angst energy to me and I do feel a bit like a teenager again in this moment. I am on the cusp of possibilities. It’s up to me to follow the right road, before I get too caught up in the choice that I’m not actually moving along the path. Feels like Teen Spirit, but with a whole lot of responsibility. I have all the things I could ever imagine wanting. A place I can call home surrounded with books, art, and art-making tools. And now Taro tools.

What do I do next?

#taro #daily #writing #learning #InfiniteDoors

Taro Reading and any spiritual practices—are exercises in humility too. I shuffled the deck a few times because I had the impression that this new deck of mine had a predominantly “air” vibe, and guess what? In spite of my ego’s interruption, the same cards revealed themselves anyway. I kid you not. And I did shuffle those cards. It was always Wands. All three times—and The World. There might have been the Judgment card in the one re-shuffle, but it was always meant to have The World and lots of wands. This deck has a lot of fire energy. I love that the spread was bookended by 2 Major Arcana cards. Beginning with Justice, the subconscious bubbling up to the surface only to end in The World (associated with earth energies) and The Spirit Realm. Divine connection.

I asked, Any last words? The bonus card that I pulled was the Ace of Cups. The artwork shows an arched window frame. Within it a golden cup (The Holy Grail) floating on it’s own in front of a backdrop of a blue sky, with 5 streams of water flowing out of it. A feather floats right above the cup. Beneath the cup, a hand is reaching from the backdrop, revealing a bit of the galaxy/the night sky behind the curtain. It’s time to feel all five senses. Divine. Peace. Love. Resolution. Awakening.

That’s 1 air card, 4 fire cards, 1 earth card, and 1 bonus water card..

This deck does feel very much like where I am right now. There is always more to know, but I do know myself well enough to carry on and continue my practices. In spite of all the chaos and uncertainty, I feel very grounded in my body, in the unity and oneness in everything. The next moment is connected to what came before it and so on. I see the thread and consequences. The cause and effect.

All is one. As above, so below. As below, so above.

I love that I get to talk all about the woo here, without fear.

#daily #taro #newdeck

I dreamed that I was walking in a big nameless city, ahead of my boyfriend and then some kind of explosion happened. He was about a block or so behind me so I texted him to check if he was okay/alive. I saw him typing, and then I think the dream shifted to another scene. Something similar actually happened in real life, so it was a little strange to see that same distressful flavor of a scene but with a different backdrop and elements. I love that I’m remembering my dreams again. I wonder if the change in my media consumption and habits has anything to do with it.

I woke up later than I was meant to yesterday. It’s my own doing. I’m trying to squeeze time writing at unorthodox hours, but then I end up watching YouTube, which depletes and distracts me. I also had a very social week. I’ve noticed that when I do have less time for myself, I tend to get tired quickly.

New friends (through another friend L) were hosting a Blu-Ray screening of What a Way to Go! a film released in 1964 around lunch time and I only woke up 1 hour before it was meant to start. I took my time and texted that I would be late, and ended up arriving an hour later than the time on the calendar invite. This would have normally made me spiral into a certain state of mind, and feel like a bad friend, but I have decided that on weekends especially, Chronos, should not be followed, and should take a back seat. I picked up some goods at the bakery first but by the time I showed up, I still had only missed 20 minutes or so of the film. They were sweet enough to pause it for me so I could settle in. A&C, our hosts, were such a laid-back and sweet couple. They let us, the guests occupy the couch, so 4 of us were cozily squeezed in, and made sure we had pillows, blankets, snacks, and everything.

C had a DJ set at one of the local parties afterwards so that’s where 5 out of the group of 7 headed right after. Needless to say, I danced my pants off all Sunday. I didn’t stay till the end of the headliner DJ’s set though, but I figured since I stepped foot on the dance floor at 4pm (barely anyone else was dancing), I was allowed to leave whenever I fancied. In my mind, I wanted to get home before the crowds restlessly headed out together. Parties can be chaotic in the aftermath, everyone either trying to get a private car, or walking towards the bus stop. And besides, I had a printer with me (yes, a whole machine in a large brown paper bag) and decided to trek towards the nearest bus stop as soon as I found a peaceful moment to do so.

I’ve been taking the physical copy of the book I’m reading around with me on my commute. Right now it’s Haruki Murakami’s latest The City and Its Uncertain Walls. Unlike Miranda July’s All Fours, which is the last novel I remember enjoying with the same interest and enthusiasm, I am reading this one slowly and pausing to put it down between chapters. I had consciously decided not to bring it with me to the film screening, but I did borrow a book at A&C’s house so that kept me company on my bus ride home. It’s Mark Ronson’s memoir called Night People: How to be a DJ in ‘90s New York City. It’s charming, but I don’t know that I’ll finish it. I like his persona on the page, but I didn’t realize until I started to read, how privileged and nepotistic his upbringing was. I didn’t know he was a son of a former famous person. This is not anything I think he is meant to feel guilty about, but the fact itself does not make me feel drawn to his world either. The growing up in NYC in the ‘90s part intrigued me, but as I kept turning each page, I can’t help but notice that a lot of his success in the world appeared before him because of his privilege. I’m turned off because I don’t get a sense of self-reflection on that.

Card Pulled from the MW deck: “Tornado Girl” Reading the meaning, I can feel that something has changed. I’ve been transported to a different landscape in a new body, and I’ve not been here before as this “self”. I wonder about the adventure that awaits.

#writing #daily #taro